As previously mentioned, I had a miscarriage in 2012 when I was 8 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was expecting again in April, I had a hard time really connecting with my pregnancy because I assumed the worse would happen again. 8 weeks passed.. then 9.. 10 weeks.. this baby wasn’t going ANYWHERE! Every time I crawled (literally crawled) to the bathroom to get sick, I would grumble and growl about how crappy morning sickness is while internally celebrating because Baby was fighting to stay inside me. Every week, the baby grew and each doctor’s appointment revealed a strong heartbeat that made me giggle. I felt the first “quickening” at 15 weeks and 5 days and I woke Eric up from a dead sleep to tell him. He had a hard time connecting with the baby as well due to the miscarriage but he smiled and gave me a hug.
Then the 2nd trimester scan happened and that wonderful (sarcasm) doctor nonchalantly informed me that something might be wrong with my baby. Here’s that post as I’m not sure I can type it all out again. I immediately felt myself shut down. I disconnected so fast that even though I knew we were having a girl, I was referring to the baby as “it”. I got back into the habit of calling her Lily but I was never really connected. Kicks were an uncomfortable inconvenience the further along I got, I was still throwing up but there was no celebration at my healthy baby still working, and I hated having Eric touch my stomach. Slowly, I allowed for that but not for me. I wanted Eric to connect to her as he was still worried about losing this little life we had made. So he touched my stomach, he annoyed her for kicks and punches, he watched my stomach like a hawk whenever I lifted my shirt to point out an area with particularly high activity, and bit by bit his bond with her secured. Mine, however, still didn’t. I couldn’t shake the separation I had forced between me and her. Her kicks became stronger and I recorded them for my mom but I didn’t feel any thrill in them.
However, the other day, I was looking through my belly bump pictures.. and I started giggling. I was smiling at how big she’s gotten and how round I am now compared to how round I thought I was just a few short weeks ago. I was impressed by my bump at 25 weeks.. and my 28 week bump was GINORMOUS in comparison. Then she did a flutterkick. And I felt the connection. This is my baby girl, my daughter. She’s growing and she’s healthy and I am her mother. No matter what happens from this moment on, she is mine. I love her completely and I cannot wait to meet her. December cannot come soon enough.